This weekend I decided to honestly, seriously consider the possibility of staying in the States when I come back home for Christmas. I have started talking with the people who are most important to discuss this with - tomorrow I'm hoping to talk with my principal about possibilities and feasibility, as well as call home to my dad.

I am simply not happy here. I have started feeling more successful as a teacher in the first week and a half of the new quarter, but my apathy still runs rampant. I know things I have to do and don't do them. I cannot rely on the excuse of ignorance any more and must simply come clean that I am shirking responsibilities.

However, despite how much I may complain about school and teaching, that's not the reason I want to return home. I understand that I would be complaining and toying with the idea of quitting right about now no matter where I'd be teaching. I have said numerous times that I truly do love my kids. I can't stand them at given times. But given the choice between loving them and not loving them, I have to go with loving them. All of this is not pushing me home.

I am depressed. I honestly think I am suffering from depression. Clinical, pill-popping depression. I would really like to be examined and diagnosed. Despite all the good in my world that I can acknowledge, I am not happy. I do not feel content, and I have no concept of what direction I could take in search of contentment. My free time, deserved or hacked out of time that should be spent working, is almost constantly spent on the internet, trying to connect with U.S. culture - reading news, watching TV shows, investigating new music or movie releases that I don't even have a hope of listening to or seeing - or sleeping. Over the last couple of weeks, I have really started feeling far too tired for my lifestyle. I am not overworked like you may expect from a first year of teaching. Yet I feel constantly tired. I am taking naps without even intending to - falling asleep while doing other things: I'm turning into my father!

Now, I'm sure I would feel depressed, be depressed, whatever terminology you want to use, even were I in the States. However, I would feel much better and comfortable in my situation to be depressed in the States, where I can surround myself with family and be in familiar territory than to be depressed in Honduras, where everything is still needlessly frustrating and I have yet to feel like a part of the community down here. I appreciate the people down here - nearly all of them are wonderful in their own regard, and the others are probably wonderful but I just can't see past the faults I have set up in my mind relating to them. But I have not felt, or let myself feel, like a part of the community. I don't love them like I love my RA staff or my Project Neighborhood house. I know those communities took effort and time to feel the way I remember them, but this is most certainly different.

I begrudgingly followed God's call down here. I honestly think something that could be called "God's work" has transpired because of what I have done down here. But I am looking for, hoping for a new call back home. I have not been able to rest in God's peace while down here. I feel more distant from God than I have in a long time, to be honest. I have not truly been able to possess a worshipful spirit while down here. Certainly these problems are not God's; he is infallible. But I believe he wants me to be able to feel close to him. I believe he does not want me to feel plagued by depression. I believe that by returning home I will be in a better position to work toward this.

Certainly this is not a done deal. My decision at this point is to simply actually discuss the possibility with people that matter rather than just let my fancies grow in my mind. Perhaps these discussions will lead me back to Honduras. Perhaps not. I'm once again seeking God's call, and I pray I will be able to hear it.