...for the fourth time

My trip home was successful. The funeral for my grandma was lovely, I was proud to be able to sing at it with my brother, and though it was difficult and had its painful aspects to be sure, it was one of those funerals that seemed more a celebration of my grandma's legacy than mourning her loss. I have no regrets of the time or money spent to go home for it.

It was wonderful to see my family, as well. While my folks came down in February, it had been three and a half months since seeing anybody else, including my six-month old nephew, who is PRECIOUS. I hung out with him, and played with my sister's kids, who just keep on growing (and becoming more well-behaved, Dyann!) Obviously, it was great to see my siblings, who are responsible for the cute kids and wonderful in their own regard. Seeing the extended family was good, as well, especially considering the circumstances.

I got to drive around Holland, drink beers and lattes I've missed, EAT TACO BELL TWICE, buy various foodstuffs to bring back down, and spend four hours with a great friend to catch up and look forward to the coming summer.

And oh, did I look forward to the coming summer. Perhaps too much. The trip was much needed for my own emotions - the funky state I've been in for much of the school year had returned pretty strongly, and I've started to hold the school and Honduras in very low esteem. It was good to get some breathing room and gain some perspective on my situation down here.

But I think I have to quote Ulysses Everett McGill on this one: "One third of a gopher would only arouse my appetite without beddin' her down" (O Brother, Where Art Thou?) In my case, the third of a gopher was a weekend home. I fear it may have even more thoroughly roused my appetite for being home than before I went, which is saying something. But it certainly was not enough to satisfy me, and now the hills of Tegucigalpa, despite their freshly green patina following an early start to rainy season, seem even bleaker in comparison.

I'm again truly questioning the wisdom of returning here in the fall. I mean, come on, last year I had such a hard time coming down, just fearing that I wouldn't like it. Now I KNOW that I don't like it. I understand the idea of doing things you don't like as growing experiences, because they're good for you. But is it really a growing experience if I don't like the idea of teaching as much now as I did a year ago? Is curling up in a ball of depression, as I have done several times this year, actually good for me? I'm losing my confidence in students, I've become as apathetic as they, and I'm more a writhing ball of hate toward Latinos than a teacher at this point.

Here's what prompts me back toward Tegus in August:

1. No jobs in West Michigan. It's so hard to search for a job in the Mitten, because they're simply not there. Schools are cutting back like crazy year after year, dealing with cuts of as much as $9 million in one district, I read over the weekend. They're looking to shed jobs wherever possible. With that in mind, Tegucigalpa seems like the only place where I know people that I have a job waiting for me.
2. 10th graders asking me, "You're gonna be here next year, right?" I'm really not looking forward to next year's crop that I'd be facing. I hear plenty of frustration stories from teachers who have those students now. A few of the kids seem even more spoiled and entitled than any of my students from this year. And I DON'T want to deal with that. But I have met a few kids who seem like they legitimately look forward to having me as their teacher. (They clearly haven't spoken to a good number of my students.) When they 9or any other teachers or staff) ask me that question above, I have to answer, "That's the plan." That's my cop out from saying what I really feel. And I know that consistency is something that's so hard to come by when it comes to teachers for these students. Maybe a totally reluctant and out-of-it Mr. Eding is better than Ms. X in her first year, not understanding what really happens here.
3. Kristin Diepenhorst. (Kristin, I'm making it blog-official. Everybody basically knows anyway.) She and I are closing in on three months of dating down here. We've known each other for a long time, and began taking our relationship in a new direction shortly after Christmas. And I'm really excited. Even more excited to date her in the States, where life is a bit more comfortable and normal, but these days are fantastic as well. And Kristin has never really considered not coming back for her second year. She actually loves her students and stuff - you know, the way normal teachers feel. I really am not keen on the idea of long-distance relationships, but it would only be from August to June that we'd be doing that, punctuated by Christmas and an inevitable trip or two I'd take down to visit. Still, I like her too much to be comfortable running the risks inherent in long-distance.

That's about it. Everything else about IST teaching I can deal without, or feel even more negatively about.

I flew into Honduras yesterday for the fourth time, planning on teaching. It has not gotten any easier to swallow. Does it make sense to count on a fifth time out in August?