...but i'm not doing what I came here to do

Morale is very low. I am almost entirely unmotivated for my job - even the sheer fact that I am meeting students and their parents tomorrow at a school open house is not encouraging me to get done what I need to get done. I feel I have lost whatever skills in teaching I once had, simply because of the change in context of a new culture and different expectations at the school from what I'm used to. Lesson planning has yet to get off the ground after a week of trying, and my first lessons are on Monday. My guidelines for what to teach are painfully open-ended. I've already been told that that's a luxury, but not in my opinion. I like being able to work in within boundaries, because otherwise I am going to do something wrong. My fear of doing that has essentially paralyzed me, I feel. On top of that, even when I am working towards finally finishing something, much of this week has been spent working on getting things in my classroom simply fixed up or going through trainings for things that up until today were hardly working consistently. I feel directionless, and so I have been trying not to go in any direction, it seems.

The culture still has not grown on me. In fact, I kinda hate it. I'll admit, I feel like a spoiled American, but knowing that certainly does not bother me as much as the sheer inconveniences of a country this poor as well as the typical Latino characteristics I have observed in other countries as well - unclear, mostly made-up responses to questions because no one wants to impolitely say "I don't know," even though the misdirection is more inconvenient than anything; lax timing; and even as a male, the machismo culture really bothers me when I am with female teachers from the school. Again, I hate how long everything seems to take, even to go to the grocery store. Stores seem to have a ton of a few things, but none of something else you would expect to find in the same section (I went to Diunsa yesterday - something of an equivalent to Target, located right next to a burned-out Popeye's (a casualty from demonstrations a within the last month) - and the school/office supply section had an entire aisle filled with spiral notebooks of all kinds, but I could not find a single pack of rubber bands anywhere). I know that any culture takes time to get used to, but I really don't like the 1-2 punch of new culture + first year of teaching.

On top of all of this, I have been having concerns even about my choice of teaching as a career in the first place. I have been trying to read a recommended book called The First Days of School which, though rather disjointed and lacking coherent flow throughout a chapter, has a lot of interesting "nuggets" stacked end to end - things you could find on inspirational teacher cards and the like. Anyway, at one point in a colored box it said, among other things, "Teachers universally say they go into teaching to make a difference." I don't think I can say that is why I wanted to go into teaching. I wanted to go into teaching because I never wanted to leave high school in the first place. I went into teaching because I really like books and it's really hard to find someone who just wants to discuss one. I went into teaching because there's not a whole lot of career-oriented stuff that I'm interested in besides books and language. I didn't go into teaching thinking my classes would change the world or even change a student's world. I honestly didn't. I thought I was a funny guy who could have a captive audience whom I could impress and, sure, maybe make them think about things a bit differently. But my motives I have to say have been almost entirely selfish. I understand the impactful nature that teaching possesses, but that's simply something that comes with the territory in my estimation. Impact isn't why I got into it. I have no grand illusions of changing the world or doing something drastic, and somehow I've ended up in the most drastic thing of my life, something I can't say I ever actively wanted but stayed the course toward because I thought I could grow to want. That hasn't happened, and now I'm wondering what the hell I'm doing here.

When Honduras came up in the first place, I had no idea what I wanted. Well, I had ideas, but no real control over making those things a reality. I applied because I knew Kristin would be down here, and so it would have to be better than going anywhere without knowing someone. (Kristin has been invaluable already down here; I can't imagine it without her - I'd already be on a plane home. Heck, I'd have never gotten on the plane down.) I honestly, truly feel I've made a mistake. Going on the assumption that I'd feel better as the time approached was a mistake. Despite my continued doubts, everyone I told (save 2, only on singular occasions) insisted it'd be great and I'd feel it was right in time. Although I did not completely believe this as I felt no spark of possible positivity, I found it hard to blatantly go against what everyone told me. I let what I was telling myself be overpowered by what everyone else was telling me, and now I feel alternately miserable and paralyzed. I'm going to trust in myself and my gut more in the future.

If you are one of those people I just mentioned, don't think I am saying anything bad about you or that I harbor ill will. I know you all called it like you saw it, and said things I needed to hear. You may even end up right yet. I just don't see that now.

So much for brevity.