All right, I haven't been as diligent as I'd hoped. But when I'm living in a house without Internet access, the times I do have Internet are infrequent and brief enough that I am not up to blogging if I even manage to finish my other actually pressing online matters. Now that I've successfully excused myself, I can move on...
So it's no secret I'm not looking forward to my impending move, now 13 days in the future. Any person I've spoken with this summer about Honduras knows this. I'm not one for false enthusiasm. I also admit that much of my reasons behind my negative attitudes are relatively immature and unfounded. I'm getting extremely hung-up on the things I will miss back in Michigan - people, concerts, activities, the sights of and act of driving around (I've spent my life, or at least the driving portion of it, getting to know the geography of West Michigan and knowing where things are, figuring out how to get places, determining relative locations of things, and so on. It's kind of weird and certainly nerdy, but it's something I take pride in and value nonetheless.) Everyone tells me not to focus on the stuff I will be missing, but look toward the stuff I would be missing out on if I didn't go to Honduras. The thing is, I've made it this far without experiencing those things, so I don't feel like I've been missing anything or would be if I didn't go.
I've been building a life here in West Michigan. I've lived here my whole life. I've invested things into life here. I value things here. I love many people here. I love "the people" here, meaning I appreciate the community and the way people live. I feel there is much more for me to do here. I hesitate to say "I'm comfortable here," because I do know God doesn't call us to merely be comfortable, but "I'm comfortable here" does run through my mind nonetheless.
To be honest (and I know how horrible this sounds...trust me, I've thought many horrible things over this summer because of Honduras looming on the horizon), I'm not expecting any aspect of life in Honduras to outdo the same aspect of life back here in West Michigan. The two reasons I applied to International School in the first place are because I was positive I would get a job and because my friend Kristin had already accepted a job there. If I had to do it over, I would not have applied. I don't think it's good that I'm going down there with such low expectations - I have a habit of self-fulfilling my own prophecies, and if this becomes the case once I'm in Honduras, not only will I find myself miserable, but I'll also be destined to be a lousy teacher because of it. My friend Anne verbally kicked my butt a couple weeks ago with that point and several others. Students can easily tell if their teachers are not into their own teaching, and if that is the case, the teaching automatically loses its value. No set of students deserves that, and I do fear that may be the case. But as I've said, I'm not feeling enthusiasm and I'm not into manufacturing it. So at this point I fear I may find myself at an impasse of not wanting to let my future students down, but not being able to put myself into a mindset where I wouldn't be destined to do just that.
I'm going to cut off the negativity train of thought at this point. It's been rather disjointed anyway, and anybody still reading likely wouldn't care to read any more. I hope I can compose some posts that actually serve a purpose other than allowing me to wallow in self-pity before I head out. I feel there are so many things I ought to tell my soon-to-be-devoted readers (I've only given the web address to one or two people so far), but then again, I know there are so many things I need to actually accomplish within the next two weeks, so we'll see how it goes.
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I think it will be really interesting to hear what you have to say at the end of things, looking back at the beginning. Not that I expect you to have a complete change in perspective and be in love with Honduras and not want to leave by the end, but just to see what was you do grow and change :)
ReplyDeleteBlessings, friend.
I'm not stalking you, I just saw this on facebook and thought I'd take a look. I do have to say that it's not going to be easy being away for a long time. But, those things that you miss, you will still miss, but you will see how easy it is to live without them as well. Like driving, it's amazing how much better you come to know a city when you have to walk around it. Also, you'll meet new, amazing people. They may not be the same as the ones you know now, but they will still be amazing. You will not ever stop missing certain people, but that's ok. You come to appreciate them much more when you aren't around them as much. There will be times when your homesickness will be unbearable, but believe me, if you focus on that, you will have a horrible time. Life is way too short to dwell on things you don't have. I'm not trying to give you a lecture, I'm just trying to say that I understand what you're feeling, and I know that what you will be going through won't be easy, but you will enjoy your experience alot more if you go in with an open mind. If you look at this trip more as a growing experience and less like a chore that you have to do, then you will have a much better time.
ReplyDeleteI know that you will have an amazing time, even if you don't think you will. :)
Good luck with everything and I look forward to reading more about your experience!
Lauren
Aaron,
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, the week I spent in Honduras last year was amazing. I'm not sure what I expected, but I could hardly stand to leave at the end of the week. I realize you'll be going for much longer than that, but I think once you get there you will love the kids and I hope that you'll really enjoy your time there.
Jon